Dear diary

It is so nice to have you. My only friend. Real friend. Someone who understands me. And where I find my freedom.

I have the impression that people think that I am spoiled, that I have a good living  but; I have loans as everybody else. I have my parents, brother, auntie, her husband and Lady & Tippa. That is the best gift in life.

My brother tried to commit suicide in a terrible way. I am so glad that he survived. The good news are that he is very good taken care of today. And I call him every week and try to see him as often as I can. He has got a diagnosis and very good treatment. A new life. And that is good for me also.

What people don´t know is that I have suffered a lot in my life. I was away from life during a year. One of my most fertile year in life. I have experienced how it is to be a prisoner. No permissions. I almost went crazy. Nobody who cared for me. I was so alone. It took years for me to recover. To find some kind of life again. But this, you cannot see because it is in my inside. It has taken years for me to recover.

I have experienced so many times how people try to use me and I get nothing in return.

The reason why I sometimes is in a good mood and laughs is because I am happy that I can feel happy. I know how it feels to be on the bottom so when I feel some kind of joy I try to enjoy that moment. Is that forbidden?

I cannot help that I did not want to have kids when I was 20 years old. Biology is different in people. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. You cannot force anybody to have children. My longing for children came when I was about 30 years old. I wasn´t mature enough earlier. I am so sorry.

Of course I could go abroad and have an insemination. That is very good because then you can track generations back so there are no diseases in the family. SS.

However, I think of the child. I strongly believe that a child needs two parents. You can hate me for saying this, but since I am adopted I would´t be what I am today without my parents and brother.

I always think as an stewardess. First you have to help yourself, then you can help others. In case of accident.

The reason why I saved some eggs this autumn was that I havn´t found love. I would like to love the father of my child. And I cannot be forced to love somebody. Love cannot be explained.

I don´t think people understand how fragile biology is. These eggs are not an assurance that I can/will have children. Intellectually, it is terribly to realize this truth. And I share this with so many sisters.

I am not gay. I could never have sex with a woman. That is why.

Only a real man.

Des bissous






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