I am soon turning 40 years. Yes, that is very true.

I previously wrote about my concerns about not having a family of my own. And I have to face the reality: that my life may turn out that way. Revealed that I have saved a few, very fragile, egg cells. However, it is extremely dangerous to believe that since I have saved some eggs that I will of course be able to have children later. This is definitely not a guarantee.

I feel very humble when it comes to biology. It is a fact that woman’s fertility dramatically decreases at the age of 35 and that age may contribute to health problems in children. I will not write more since this is not my field of knowledge.

This also generates a lot of thoughts. About life. But, I believe that as long as you don’t try to tell nature what to do, but rather find out and follow natures various “pathways”, you can live in harmony with nature. If you try to force nature, what will human life be in 10 generations?

Many sweet dreams,

Anna

DSCN0184

Lång promenad

Eftertankens stund

Idag står tiden stilla.

Imorgon, en ny dag, men,

Same, same but…

 

/Allhelgonahelgen 2012

Stillsamt smälter den ljumma sommarnatten ned över staden.
Längtan till landets grönskande ängar
Sommarens mitt.
Fuktig dagg blir till morgon,
en ny, orörd, dag nalkas
omfamnad av soluppgångens levande ljus

/2013

 

Today is a beautiful day in Stockholm with blue sky. However, I had a headache yesterday which unfortunately has continued today. Measured my blood pressure which is to high, both of them. Two months ago I started to wear lenses, maybe that is the problem. I will go back to wear glasses. So I have to stay at home and rest in peace. Talked to my parents  and they are making cinnamon rolls today. Lady and Tippa are both fine. If I get better I will make some apple (from the countryside) muffins later. So today is a lazy day. Hope I get better so I can go to work tomorrow.

Almost a year has passed since I wrote my very first poem and that was at halloween 2012. This website is supposed to give me energy. I actually re-read what I have written some times. My diary.

Have nice day!

Anna

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Since I am not directly involved in science I will instead present theoretical science. This is not something that is finished this year. I will make some small changes and because I don´t have access to anything but my memory I will build research from my memory. Grammar etcetera may not be right.

This is very difficult, I can assure, but challenging.

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“Je pense, donc je suis”

Descartes

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I have thought for quite same time; and these are my working hypotheses:

1) Dopamine and -acetylcholine hypothesis

Smoking (or other forms of nicotine intake) is very common in several diseases. Professor Arvid Carlsson (Göteborgs Universitet, Sweden) has hypothesised in the 1950’s that dopamine is involved in the pathophysiology of eg addiction (Engel and Söderpalm 1999; Yoshida et al 1980), schizophrenia and Parkinson´s disease. (don´t know about Alzheimers disease). Smoking is highly observed among alcohol dependent individuals, depression, schizophrenia.

Several experiments in vivo have demonstrated that dopamine plays a crucial role in these diseases. Professor Arvid Carlsson has further gained evidence for the hypothesis by introducing dopamine stabilisers. A pharmacological substance, with dual effects, acting as an agonist and antagonist depending on the state of the environment. (Since I write this from my memory, it may not be accurate).

However, as seen in Parkinson´s disease, today´s available pharmacological treatment is not optimal. On-off symptoms may be observed.

Dopamine neurons are widely distributed throughout the brain in rather distinct pathways. These neurons are closely located to eg cholinergic neurons. Cholinergic neurons have muscarinic (G-protein coupled) and nicotinic receptors (ion channels). To the best of my knowledge, dopamine neurons do not have ionic receptors. Maybe they are equipped with rapidly responding receptors, but they have not been found or simply: they do not exist. I don´t know the literature.

Inte helt lätt att hålla röda tråden…Men det är ett andra utkast.

A possible way to reduce side-effects may be to give more input to dopaminergic activity by cholinergic sparkling eg from the mesopontine area.

Since I have experienced that data can be stolen I publish this in public so everybody can get the information. It might be wrong but that is what a hypothesis may be. Probably it is right but it may also be wrong. Or something in-between. Only experiments can find out to get evidence for the hypothesis to help individuals with proper treatment.

Hopefully I can help people. Maybe somebody will read this and get ethical approval.

 

2) Prevention of diseases in humans later in life is to monitor ophthalmological status in newborns – to obtain stability in the body

Since I have read a lot about the brain in the literature a decade ago I have had time to reflect. It is interesting to note that the

I believe (a hypothesis that might be wrong) that the development of the ophthalmological nervous system is very important for the brain, our function to be. Both “eyes” need to be in balance during development. However, since the brain is adaptable to changes, can later be corrected, and balance can be re-obtained.

These are just, so far some ideas, so they are not true.

3) Is it possible to predict depression by monitoring cortisol levels, and can beta-blockers (not crossing the blood-brain barrier, “heart-selective”, eg metoprolol) together with SSRI (sertralin) contribute to a rapid recovery and hampering of ?

Jag undrar om depression kan på något sätt försämra hjärnans funktion, alltså, utan depression är hjärnan ok, men en hjärna som varit med om en depression kan sensitiseras och därmed vara känsligare i framtiden. Det skulle eventuellt, den mycket välkända beta-blockeraren metoprolol hjälpa till att lindra. En låg dos kanske 25 mg dagligen.

Om så är fallet, skulle det med en redan väl beprövad beta-blockerare kunna

These questions need to be further explained, I have not fully formulated good questions and thoughts.

 

Dear diary,

A few days since I wrote to you. Yes, I have to remind myself that I write on the internet. So everybody can see. Never mind. I strongly believe that it is good to have an open attitude. I don´t have anything to hide. I believe in the future, that openness leads to good changes. Transparency. Sometimes I imagine myself in ten years. What will life be like? What will I do? Many questions.

I don´t know why, but I have a strong feeling for having children. I have had it for many years. I suppose people wonder why I don’t have a family of my own. My life has, so far, been very interesting. I am very happy that I have experienced many things, especially meeting people. My life has also been terrible for a period. Even though it doesn’t look like that.

I am adopted but my parents I have are my parents and will always be. And my brother is my brother. They have supported me, even tough my life hasn’t turned out the way is usually does. My parents helped me through my depression.

I have become scared of a relationship. That is probably why I am not in a relation today. And that is why I don’t have any children. Scared, so terrible scared to get wounded. I am not interested in women. Probably people may think that I prefer women since I don’t have a man.

Ok, I could have a baby on my own. But I don’t think that is good for the child. A child is not something “nice to have”. A child deserves parents. Role models.

I love children. But first I need to find a man who would like to become father of my child. Responsibility. But the problem is that I must fall in love. And that is difficult when you have been hurt.

You cannot plan life. I thought I would be a mother ten years ago. But life turned out differently. Years passed. Still very scared of relations. Lot of anxiety of not having a family of my own. How can I find a man who is kind to me? Who appreciates who I am? I have thought a lot about this. And I know there are many women in the same situation as I am. To find somebody where it feels right. Then I can have a family.

I have come so far that I have decided that I may never have any children. My destiny. That is why I like to read and write. Life must be filled with something else. And I have always been a person who want´s to look forward instead of the other way. However, strong memories hamper me sometimes.

A few years ago I read about the possibility of preserving woman’s fertility by saving eggs. As usual, I thought a lot, is it right or wrong? Two years ago I decided that I was going to make a try. Since I have worked with integrated pharmacology, I understood the principle. And it already exists in nature. Unfortunately, there were many events that made it impossible. I was very sad. Went through the same thoughts again and ended with the goal of finding a man, a relation. A soulmate. Somebody to discuss with, read, travel, laugh…

But, you cannot plan life. That is for sure. However, again, my longing for a family became so strong that this spring, I decided to make a try for preserving some eggs. The technique already exists since many years, and has recently been introduced in Sweden.

Of course, there is the choice of adoption. But that is something I cannot do on my own. Children should be made from love. Not nice to have.

These are all difficult questions and they don’t have any good answers. Not today. Maybe in a hundred years. The world changes too quickly. Biology is not in phase with society.

I went through the treatment for preserving some eggs. I did ultrasound and I could see how my eggs grew. That was incredible to see them growing. And I felt that it was life. If something can grow, then it must be life? Even if it doesn’t divide. Now they are in Göteborg and I hope they are safe.

I am happy that I could make it alone. Future will tell if I will have a child. What is surprising are the strong instincts of protection that I feel/felt. I could give my life to give life to a child.

I could write much more. And I probably will. I suppose many people think this is something strange to do. To preserve the fertility. But, imagine seeing somebody with both legs broken. That is what I feel inside sometimes, not having a family of my own. I know that I am not alone with these feelings. There are women like me, couples etc trying to have children but not succeeding. Ups and downs. But that is life. The beauty of life. If you have never experience periods of unhappiness, you cannot know what happiness is.

 

Sweet dreams,

Anna

Even though there are many years since I was involved in science, I think about it sometimes. Still curious to know if there are functional nicotinic autoreceptors. If there are, that could mean (some=many) openings for new pharmaceutical drugs.

I have a confession to make.

I did my PhD at the Department of Pharmacology in Göteborg. Everybody talked about Professor Arvid Carlsson and his huge contribution to pharmacology. So I listened to every lecture he gave in public. He was never at the department when I studied so therefore I was interested to learn from him. His experiments were very clear and distinct. I learnt that he has contributed to development to today’s beta-blockers, SSRIs, dopamine hypothesis etcetera. The list never ends… Research from molecule to behaviour.

This spring, I did something foolish. I wrote him a letter to ask his opinion “On the balance between acetylcholine and dopamine or vice versa”. If I would continue to do research that would be very interesting to study. And here, nicotinic autoreceptors could be putative targets. Since I didn’t know his address I wrote to the Department of Pharmacology. I waited. A week later I got the letter back. Returned to sender. So I felt very disappointed and stupid at the same time. So, I will not return to science.

But since I have studied the dynamics of acetylcholine you get a feeling of its behavior….

Ok, that’s all for tonight. I feel very relieved to have said this.

 

Have a nice evening!

Anna

Weekends pass so quickly. Don’t you agree? Listened to a very skilled organist this afternoon, Kira Lankinen playing Bach. So beautiful music. What would life be without classical concerts?

Tomorrow is a new day and a new week. And almost a new month. I have been thinking what I would like to do the rest of this autumn and winter. To find LOVE is my biggest project. And that is not easy. I don’t think I can search for love. I just have to trust destiny. I am so naive that I think love some day will cross my way and overwhelm me. I am prepared to wait. Meanwhile I will write my book. I am not in a hurry so it will be a good story. I have many ideas.

This weekend I stopped by a boutique for dogs to find out information about daycare for dogs. Unfortunately I finish work too late so they close before I get home. But luckily I see Lady and Tippa from time to time. Sweeties.

Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite

Anna